Monday, November 24, 2008

Why there is so much Engrish

So I was planning a post at some point on the Engrish I've seen around and taken pictures of, but I'm waiting for my collection to grow a bit first. (Engrish is things that are in English but were translated very badly and make no sense. They're usually pretty funny.)

Anyway, so we were at dinner for one of the other foreigners birthday, and this new Korean teacher at my school came with us. His English is pretty crappy, and he had this book with him. It ended up being chock full of fun for the dinner table, and now I think I realize why there is so much Engrish out there - because even their dictionaries are bad. Here are some of the more choice ones, first from the drinking section and then from the dating section. Keep in mind this is just from the twenty or so pages we looked at; imagine all the fun that could be found in the 550 other pages! Also, all are verbatim - I did not typo, and the book is from 2001, so it really has no excuse. Commentary in italics.

A: Do you stand me a drink today?
B: Yes, I'll stand you a drink if you like. (Huh? We first thought this was British slang or something, but then we kept reading)

Anyway, it's getting too bored here in this club. Let's change the scenery! Hey, treat me another round.

Note: I'm a little bit high. = I had a little drink. (Is that what they're calling it nowadays?)

Get real, my friend! Smart girls like her ain't fond of party animals like you getting blacked out all the time. (Because it is important for them to learn words that aren't really words...)

I've got a crash on Jane. I love her so much I can't live without her. (Ah, those cursed crashes.)

My girlfriend dumped me because I'm a poor salaried worker. (Don't worry, you're better off.)

I've got dumped because I don't have any money. "No money, no honey," they say. I know I was just her part-time lover, nothing more, nothing less. (Important phrases to know!)

My husband doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't fool around, is physically fit, great in bed and not afraid to shower. (Ah, the perfect man! No shower phobia for him!)

He was caught two-timing by his girlfriend last night and he's in hospital because his girlfriend beat the living crab out of him. (You go girl. I wonder if the crabs came from the one he was two-timing with? Use protection people!)

A: Have you done anything behind your wife's back?
B: The only thing I've ever done behind my wife's back is zip her up.

I have been on nude beaches before and I'm certainly no prude, but I'm very uncomfortable about being seen in public with my deformity. (Deformity? Is this really a common problem that people have with going to nude beaches?)

This one was especially fun for my American co-worker who is half-Chinese:
Hey, I hear you're going out with a chink. What's up with that?

A: Does he drink, gamble or chase women?
B: No, he doesn't drink, he never gambles, and he detests women. (Sounds like he is fabulous! - if you know what I mean.)

A short fling won't quench your thirst - it will only stimulate your appetite and create more problem.

A: When are you going to marry? You're already 40.
B: Don't worry, mom. There's a lid for every pot.
Also: Every Jack has his Gill

Who is your main squeeze among those babe?

And ones that are just funny because they use Dick as their generic male name:
You know, Dick. I'm tired of being single. So it would be nice if you could set me up with someone.

A: You can call me Dick. Now we are on a first-name basis.
B: Being on a first-name basis isn't everything, you know.

That's it! Dick and I are through! (I think I've said that at some point in my life...)

And one last example to send you off. You know, maybe they understand better than I thought:
After retirement, you have a new boss - your wife. She doesn't issue orders; she uses diplomacy. For example: "We should wash the windows." "We should clean the cellar and garage." "We should trim those high bushes." You will soon be learned "we" means, "Honey, you..."

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